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June 16, 2009, 2:00 pm: PlayStation Extends Sponsorship of the UEFA Champions League Read now!
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News Articles

Gamers: Herd of Ferrets

By Nephi-s-Courage
Published: August 29, 2008, 7:29 pm
Updated: August 29, 2008, 7:36 pm

Gaming

Trying to get gamers to cooperate is like trying to herd ferrets. I know, you’re thinking the real phrase is “like trying to herd cats”. No, trust me, gamers are ferrets. Cats are like… “I should care because….?” Ferrets are all like “Oh, oh!!! I wanna play…ooo shiny!!” Attention span of a goldfish, but sometimes they’re entertaining.

So, I was gaming with my friends Theodore and Scott. Oh, yeah, and Scott’s girlfriend Lizzie was in the group. As usual, Theo and Scott were playing girls and, fortunately, we had suckered Lizzie into playing a guy so it wasn’t an all female party.

It was a typical Saturday afternoon. No one was paying any attention. Theo and Scott were discussing the backgrounds of their characters. Theo was playing Mebd, a fifteenth level elven cleric. Scott was playing Usagi, a rather well built female paladin from Waterdeep. Lizzie was playing Kiran, a bard that was even more spastic than she is.

Gamer Chick - AllConsoleGamers.com

“Hey, guys! Can we get in here and get started already? We’re running late!” I shout in frustration to be heard over the talking and the rattling from the vicinity of the fridge.

“I’ll be right in, I’m getting some pop! Does anybody else want some?” Lizzie replies.
“No, I’ve already got a ‘Pop.’ But I’d like some soda!” Scott quips.
“Ha, ha, very funny. How about pizza? Anybody want a pizza?”

I swear that girl is ADHD or something. So I remind everyone about the supposed current topic. “We ordered pizza 20 minutes ago. It’ll be here in another 15. Now if Kiran could get his pansy butt in here and get back on topic, maybe we could get some gaming done today.”

“Oh, uh, right. Sorry. Ok, I’ve got grape, orange, and lemon-lime. Who’s got dibs?”
“Nobody cares about the stupid soda.” I remind her. “Honestly, this group is so frustrating.” The guys are taking advantage of my argument with Lizzie to continue their chatter about their characters.

“But how’m I supposed to play without my sugar rush? C’mon Lynn, you know I need sugar to be able to think.”
My first thought is ‘Arrgh!!!’ My second is what actually comes out of my mouth. “Your deity appears out of nowhere and casts a silence spell, on the player.”

“Does this mean my Bard can’t sing anymore?” queries Lizzie.
“No, this means it is your cue to shut up!” This girl really drives me nuts. Can’t a DM do anything without comments from the peanut gallery? Honestly, where’s the respect?

Finally, Theo steps in to save me from the endless chatter with: “The blessings of Ploat D’Byce on the party. Now let’s get moving, people.”

“We now return to where we left off last week: the interminable dungeon crawl.” After my introduction comment to the session, everyone in the party feels obligated to make some sort of comment. Generally, these comments involve how no one else is really playing. As usual, I try to bring the group back on track. “Ok, so, uh… dungeon? You’re in a dark room. You can’t see anything. What do you do?”

Then Kiran pops up with, “I want to cast Magic Missile!” There was silence in the room, both rooms for that matter.. Everyone was looking at the bard as if he had grown a second head… or, perhaps in his case, a third.
A voice calls from above the characters “You can’t cast Magic Missile, you idiot! Not only is there nothing to attack, your class can’t even do that.”

“But I’m attacking the darkness!” protests a strangely female voice.

Being a masochist, I must ask, “Then, why don’t you attack the darkness using more prosaic means?”
Kiran responds by singing. Bards. “Attacking all the darkness, the darkness, the darkness, Attacking all the darkness, wherever we may go!”

Meanwhile, back in the real world… “So, um… Mebd, Usagi… Kiran, as usual, is being an idiot. Do either of you have any sensible ideas?”

“I cast light.” responds Mebd.
“I smack the idiot!” says Usagi.
“Ok, Usagi, roll to hit. Hey, idiot! Roll to dodge!”
Lizzie/Kiran falters in singing to answer. “Tee dum… oh, uh… 15.”
“As I said, I, Usagi of the Order of Roseate Leporidae, smack the idiot.”

“So, Mebd, as you’re the only one paying attention, you’re the only one who notices a group of elite Drow assassins wincing in pain. You’re not sure if it’s the idiot’s… uh Kiran’s, song or the light spell. It could be either… or both.”

And just at this moment the pizza arrives. I thought that the pizza would save me from the unrelenting frustration of it all, but things just get worse. First off, Lizzie begins to dance around the room singing her pizza song. Which goes along the lines of: “Pizza, pizza, pizza!” Pizza, pizza, pizza! Pizza! Pizza! And breadsticks!” What was she thinking? We never order breadsticks. At this moment I begin to foresee TPK. I think I must have muttered out loud because Lizzie responds with, “TPK? What’s that?”.

I just give her the dreaded smile and respond. “Never mind, you’ll know soon enough. Well, not soon enough, but… anyway, back on topic.”

Meanwhile, the guys have taken advantage of my distracted state again and are eating all the pizza while going off on old gaming anecdotes. Theo starts with, “Dude, you remember the time when that dude attacked a gazebo, and didn’t even know what a gazebo was?”

“And who’d have known that a gazebo was a monster with a difficulty rating of, like, forty or something?” Scott replies. (I can see why the Dungeon Master of that campaign did it. I was beginning to contemplate gazebos myself.)
For a change Lizzie attempts to make a sensible reply. “But, isn’t a gazebo a…”

Gently I try to bring the group back on track. “Um, guys, elite Drow assassins?”. Unfortunately, they are immune to suggestion and so the dialogue continues. Only this time it’s Scott.

“Yeah, and you remember how, oh, what’s-his-bucket had that level fourteen electric mouse that was like chaotic-evil… or was it chaotic-neutral? I don’t remember.”

“I don’t care if it’s lawful good. Anything that cute has to be evil!” retorts Theo.

At this point I am sitting with my head between my knees muttering to myself. Finally, though, I make a decision. I give the ‘ultimately evil smile-of-DOOM’ and ask “Can you pass the pizza, please?” Just as Lizzie joins in with, “Yeah, and didn’t that same guy have Santa Claus as a wandering monster?”

I make a final attempt at mercy. “Um, guys? Guys?” Then, I’ve had it. They aren’t listening to me. They refuse to stay on topic. Fine. “Kiran, Mebd, Us-a-gi. Well, unfortunately for you, the elite assassins were an illusion to hide a transmogrified Great Red Dragon, who eats you all. TPK! Total Party Kill!!!”

As usual, the noob has to comment. “But, wait! I had cast Morden Caiden’s Invisible Watchdog!” Everyone knows she can’t do that but, she has the audacity to continue. “But I had all the components, and I said…Just joking I know I can't do that one.”

“That’s it! I’ve had it! I’m going back to my other gaming group!” I begin to stalk off and then realize a slight problem. “Wait, this is my apartment. Y’all are supposed to leave!” So, I shoved them out of the door. “Get out, and take your ‘pop’ with you!” I shout as I slammed the door.

At that point, I swore that I would never DM for them again. It would have been smart never to have even gamed with them again. This Saturday we are getting together to game and I’m DMing. It’s a new campaign and Theodore is playing a guy this time. Perhaps, things will turn out differently. I know I’m probably dreaming, but what’s a gamer to do when you finally find a group to play with? At least I have learned that I can control my temper. Good thing for them I’m not a Red Dragon.We Emeralds are much more tolerant than any Red would ever be.

About this article:

"(This is) Just a story I wrote for a class. It's rather a niche thingy so I can't think of where else to publish it. The teacher wants me to get feedback. There are a couple of well known jokes (ie "fighting the darkness" and "the gazebo") that I have kiped, but can't remember where they're from. They're included to highlight the stereotype." ~Nephi-s-Courage

Editor's Notes:

"This article has been modified from a plain text format to best fit the AllConsoleGamers website standards. However, the contact has been left almost intact to keep the "amature gamer" style and the authenticity of the story. We changed the title of the story from "Gaming" to "Gamers: Herd of Ferrets", added a few complimentary images, edited some typos, and added a few paragraph breaks. Apart from that, the story is the same." ~Shimbo Suzuki

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